I want to be honest today. Not that I’m not ever honest; that’s one reason I lose friends. This is the kind of honesty that exposes me. It shows, perhaps, a weakness of mine, a way to attack me. But my integrity, among other things, is everything to me; I will die before I lie to you. So here goes:
I am afraid. Deeply afraid.
When I say that, understand there are two ways people are usually fearful. One: hysteria. The scaremongering of storytelling, of ghost stories, of conspiracy theories. Look at global warming, GMOs, base racism, etc. A fear not based on rational or factual evidence.
Then there’s the second trigger: the perception of a thread. The rustle of leaves in a forest, the rattle of a snake, the cocking of a shotgun while walking on farm land. The realization that your safely is at risk, and if you ignore it, you may meet your demise.
Just a bit about me you may not be aware of: I’m effectively battle worn. I’ve been abused verbally, physically, emotionally, and every way in between, by family, friends, strangers and enemies. I’ve been punched, beaten to shit, humiliated, kicked across fields, hit by cars, stabbed, brainwashed that I should kill myself, shot at multiple times, mildly poisoned, ostracized, etc. I know fear, I know pain, I know violence, I know them well. I rarely feel fear ever today. I almost never feel threatened; I’m too well trained, too experienced, too fucking crazy to be threatened. Yet, I am afraid.
I was listening to the Tom Leykis Show from yesterday. The topic was the news and the election being depressing. One caller from Shoreline, WA, who talks about WW3 not really being a possibility, and laughed about it. In his words, he lived through the cold war where nukes weren’t ever used, and therefore today is more of the same “saber rattling”.
Not long after came a call from a U.S. Army man stationed on a base 20 miles from the Russian border. He explained that Russia was making citizens do nuclear fallout drills, How Putin was reacting to U.S. bases surrounding his country like anyone else would, how the U.S. military was depleted, how the Russian military was in tip top shape and has weapons we cannot defend against, how our politicians are currently on the path to a fight at all costs, the list goes on and on. What really touched me was that
1. I knew about a lot of this, but not it’s severity; that makes it a hard hit to me. 2. This is a guy that’s literally in the crosshairs of a Russian first strike should it happen; he has every reason to be afraid, which brings to mind the following: 3. He’s in the Army. In case you have never met anyone from the U.S. Armed Forces, they are very prideful of their service, their ability, and their effectiveness, Marines being the biggest offenders. For someone like that to say we may be fucked if we fight Russia is a huge statement to our safety; no one with that kind of pride would ecr say something like that if it wasn’t true. 4. Related to number 2, his voice. I could hear the fear. The same fear, the same threat recognition, it was in his voice. The seriousness of his tone, along with the facts someone that doesn’t live where he does would have, resonated with me. That man was afraid too. He had something to lose, my guess being his life along with the lives of his entire platoon.
I hear all of this, I see the paint on the walls, and I see death coming. This guy isn’t the first to voice this kind of opinion: I have talked to other current and former military personnel, with current and former Russian citizens, and they all say more or less the same thing. There is a fight brewing. Neither side, or at least Russia, wants it, but politics are pushing it to inevitability.
One last thing I want to leave you with, everyone I talked to said more or less the following: “I don’t like Trump, but unlike the others at least he wants to try to talk to Russia, to see if we can work things out and be friends. The rest of the politicians, they want war, they don’t want to talk.” That was brought up in this call with the Alaskan Army man.
Understand where I am coming from. I enjoy my life. I work a job that, whole challenging, is ultimately one that isn’t super significant, one that brings people happiness, but isn’t necessary. My hobbies are making myself and my collective family happy and entertained. I want things to stay that way. I want us to stay happy. If this shit comes to a head, I will be forced to switch to my other abilities. The ones that will kill, maim, and scar other people. The ones that will destroy everything. And I will be amongst others that will do the same. Like I said, I love my life today, and I don’t want to change it. But if push comes to shove, you better hope I die quickly, because I am coming for you.
It is this reality that I am deeply afraid of. I have been stick awake, despite getting home early thinking about this. We are on the brink of war, and while the Russian population is standing strong and preparing for yet another fight, ours is worried about genders using bathrooms and Trump grabbing pussy. Hell, even if I get drafted, I stand a chance of surviving. The people that live in the major U.S. cities, like L.A., San Fran, or Seattle, would not stand a chance. I might live, but if our countrie’s survival depended on the people I lived around and work with on a daily basis, the people that can’t even figure out what gender they are, we are fucked.
I don’t have a point I really have to make here. Only that this is the first time, in a long time, I have been afraid. Will my life be destroyed? Will I be forced to destroy others? Will I watch as my neighbors, my acquaintances, and friends, are killed, starved to death, tortured and cry for help? Will I be forced to see those that doomed us and close the door on them, if not shoot them out of their misery?
I don’t know about you, but the fact that I am typing this at almost 5am means I am already losing sleep over this. Aren’t you?